A life full of grace...

2010-12-21T13:51:00.000-08:00

I am a 30 year old woman.
I am overweight, I have been carrying this excess flab all through my childhood, teens and my 20s.
I don't have a job, let alone a proper career and I still live at home with my parents.
I dress badly and when it comes to men, my relationship consists of flirty email and messenger exchange with some guys I met on a dating site who I've never met in person.
I am an introvert and find social situations awkward and exhausting so I don't socialise much.
I'm not very good at maintaining lasting relationships (with people in general, not just men) so I have very few acquaintances and I only have a handful of friends.

-I.am.a.loser.-

Most of the time, none of what's listed above affects me because I toddle along day to day without thinking about it. Actually, I just don't think, full stop. I mentally bury my head in the sand for as long as I can and cruise through each day of my life. However once in a while I come up for air and this whole reality hits me, really hard, leaving me totally winded and utterly depressed. There are certain times of the year when it hits me harder than others and now would be one of those times. It actually rankles.

4 days before Christmas and instead of shopping for presents, I spend all of today staring at my bank balance, mentally juggling in my head how I can pay off my credit card bill and buy presents taking in to account two months worth of wages I get from my part time work. I only have to buy presents for four people (I'd like to buy more but I can't afford it) but even that's going to be a stretch. Ouch.

2 and a half months until I turn 31...I thought turning 30 was hard but I never realised turning 31 would be even harder. Turning 30, you just ended your 20s; turning 31, you are now IN your 30s. A whole new ball game. Add to that, if you are turning 31 with nothing to show for it except a non-career, still living with your parents, still carrying the excess flab that you've been carrying all of your childhood, teenage years and your 20s - you suddenly find yourself desperately wishing you can turn back the time. You also either start freaking out whilst hyperventilating, or you get majorly depressed. I did both. Ouch.

I've done absolutely nothing yet I've managed to hurt myself.
BECAUSE I've done absolutely nothing, I ended up hurting myself.

I didn't think I possessed an internal limit, but I'm finally hearing my insides scream 'enough is enough!!! I've had it!!!'. And no, I wasn't comfort eating at the time.

I mentioned earlier that this blog is about my search for self-acceptance. For me, the road to true self-acceptance will involve me finally DOING something about my life, rectifying and turning around all the bits I am unhappy about. And it is for this reason that I write this blog today. To see it all in writing. My reality, my emotions, my hopes. All (not so well) articulated in writing that will act as a constant reminder when I try to stop thinking again or bury my head in the sand.

For most Christians, Christmas, the birth of our lord Jesus Christ symbolise a new beginning. A Christian new year. Being a Christian, I've decided that this is the new year when I will start turning my life around, a new beginning to my new age bracket and a new chapter in my life....a life full of grace.

Gratia plena..

A life full of grace...